Sheame On Me

Just a place where I let my brain leak out...

Monday, December 30, 2002

Hey Everybody!
This is my very first foray into the world of the 'songfic'. I love
this band (A Perfect Circle), and I just felt Brian in this song. I
hope you like it! Let me know. As always, these beautiful creations
do not belong to me. Enjoy!

Shea:-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold. It's always so damned cold in here! I get up, and fumble
my way through the pitch black, feeling for the thermostat. No
lights, I like it better whe I can't see the emptiness that surrounds
me now. It's only in these hours, the ones between drunk and sober,
between tricks, that I even let myself acknowledge it. The rest of
the time, it's business as usual, at least that's what I try to
convince everyone, meaning, Me. Sometimes, it's not such a hard act
to sell. Since I was made partner, I HAVE been working a ton of
extra hours. I don't think I've ever been so glad to oversee an
assembly of people, whose collective IQ is probably about equal to
that of a box of hair. (Except Cynthia, of course, I don't know how
she stays mentally equipped, sharing oxygen with some of these
morons!) They keep me busy, though, and for that, I thank them,
because, I am not altogether sure what I would do without the
distraction, at times.

I am not sad, or heartbroken, or lovesick. Brian Kinney doesn't
DO the whole angst-ridden, soap opera bit. But, there are moments
when I can't help but notice this, sort of... lack. Like a part of
me that I NEED to function in my day-to-day life, is suddenly gone.
More often than not, I can push it aside and forget about it, but
every once in a while, it's just overwhelming. I employ all of my
standard remedies for any sort of emotional, um awkwardness, but
nothing seems to quite fill the void. After work, I go home, shower,
change, and promptly leave THAT box of unwanted memories as fast as I
can. Then I head out to do what I do best... medicate, which for me,
means, drugs, booze, and, of course, fucking. Hard to believe there
are still men on Liberty I HAVEN'T fucked! Once, I think Mikey even
made some snide remark about having a revolving door put into the
loft! Little Shit! I don't take them home anymore though, ironic,
huh? It's just that they don't fit there, nobody does, not even me
anymore, really. So, I keep my tricking to the back room, the back
alleys, and the baths. And I try to stay in a drug/alcohol induced
stupor as much as possible, when I'm not working. (Don't worry, I
don't drive.) If I stay focused on my goal, I do okay. Get high,
get off, get out... repeat as necessary. No more worrying about
what's his name, or anyone else, for that matter. I tried that, and
where did it get me? About 10 steps behind where I was before, with
no fucking clue where to go from here!

The worst part is, that now, when I go out tricking, all I see is
fucking blonde hair and blue eyes! Only, they never belong to who I
wish I didn't want them to belong to. He's gone, it's almost like he
was never here, he's just vanished. Just absent. All I can do is
lean against this wall, in this dark, musky room, and grunt, as I
shoot my release into another face with no name. Grateful for these
few seconds when I don't feel so goddam used up and hollow.

The Hollow ~ A Perfect Circle
run, desire, run this sexual being
run him like a blade to & through the heart
no conscience, one motive...
to cater to the hollow.
screaming
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.
so, grow, libido, throw dominoes of
indiscretions down.
falling all around in cycles/circles.
constantly consuming.
conquer and devour.
it's time to bring this fire down.
bridle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify and
permanently fill this hollow.
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 5:31 PM

Now

this beautiful lonesome moment
will soon be a forgotten memory
or is it already?
if time does not exist
if all is happening now
then what is tomorrow?
then why long for yesterday?
missing the joy that has since
grown sensible
trying to forget the violent love
of the past
aching to feel the real thing
longing to trust another enough
to let them inside
desperate to push past the past
only there is no such thing
so how can I ever hope to
let it go?
how will I ever move beyond
if all the while,
the broken child
moves right along side?
will she ever be free of me?
Is there a chance of liberation
from her?
There is so much confusion
in the luster in her
eyes
the blue is trying to explain
still, she cannot move
this mirror has turned
me into a child I want to
forget
was there a time when love
didn't hurt?
is it possible to restore my
faith in grace?
a never-ending cycle
from a tear to a smile
thanking you for me
leading me to love

12/27

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 4:58 PM

I am lost here
in limbo
Scared of my
own shadow
Or maybe the
shadow of my past
A little girl
all used up
and re-filled with
lies.

Her picture of Love
so distorted
She can't even love
herself.

So I hide
And I don't feel
safe here either.

I don't understand
what beauty is,
and I am letting
my life slip through
the cracks in my
smile.

12/30

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 3:25 PM

"We need to recognize that a government that would deny a gay man the right to Bridal Registry... is a fascist state."

~Margaret Cho, The Notorious C.H.O.

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:41 PM

"...If you are a woman, if you are a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity... then YOU are considered a minority in this world! And it's gonna be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere, especially women's and gay men's culture. It's all about how you have to look a certain way, or else, you're worthless. You know when you look in the mirror and you think, "Oh, I'm so fat, I'm so old, I'm so ugly." Don't you know that's not your authentic self? But, that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards... all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself... so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn't turn around shit!
When you don't have self-esteem, you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really wanna go for. You will hesitate to ask for a raise. You will hesitate to call yourself an American. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because fo your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote... You will hesitate to dream.
For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution... and our REVOLUTION is LONG overdue!
I urge you all tday, especially today, in these times of terrorism and chaos, to love yourselves without reservation... and to love each other without restraint... unless you're into leather... then, by all means, use restraints."

~Margaret Cho, The Notorious C.H.O.

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:39 PM

This is your life, as YOU have made it. You have to take each day as it comes. You can't hide away and pull the covers over your head each time things get a bit difficult. You have to learn to STAND UP and do what YOU FEEL is good and loving for YOU!

12/27

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:27 PM

and then everything changed, and life opened it's doors. and for the first time...12/25
the truth of love stared back from the mirror, instead of fear. (1/24)
And all fo the lies she had been living seemed suddenly so useless and silly.
The day was fast approaching, she knew that now, she wouldn't have to wait much longer. (2/1)

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:24 PM

Damn Phone!
Why don't you ring?
Why won't he call?
Why did I fall?

Why do I do this?
When will I learn?
How many times
do I have to get burned?

Searching and searching
Never to find
Sometimes I think
I'll go out of my mind

12/25

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:21 PM

Mother

Look what you made
Built with your love
In spite of all fear
Beyond imagination

Staring in wonder
Tired and weak
How could something so small
Take so tight a hold on your
heart

First steps
First words
Terrible Two's
Kindergarten

We know we weren't perfect
You know neither were you
There certainly were times (MANY)
When you wanted to pull out your hair
Or maybe ours

Through scraped knees
and broken... well, everything!
"He started it!" "She started it!"
Open houses and school plays

You picked up our clothes
and tripped on our toys
Then, one day you woke up
and we were no longer children

Now we walk in our own lives
Each of us living as best we can
Always remembering
We can do this ONLY because
You were brave enough
To give us that chance

We all do the best we can
With what we have been given
And you did better than most
I hope you are as proud as we
After all...

Look at what you made! :)

We Love You Mom!
Merry Christmas!

12/24

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:19 PM

Just an Idea

I thought it might be nice
to feel your arms around me
Seemed simply to be sweet
if I could make you smile
I must admit these feelings
have left me slightly puzzled
My mistake was guessing you felt
something too
and believing my own lie.

12/19

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:11 PM

Underneath

beauty flows within my veins
there is joy beneath my skin 12/18
and a light behind these eyes
that refuses to be dimmed 1/24

navigating through the shadows
of a world consumed by fear
I will fight the pain
I will take my place
for now the truth is clear 2/1

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:09 PM

An Adjective View

cold
ashamed
afraid
alone

tired
confused
angry
unknown

12/?

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:08 PM

Quiet

Time isn't passing
Just hanging in the air
When will this empty
night be over?
I wonder and I walk
and I think of you.

12/13

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:06 PM

Crazy

I must be crazy
Why else would I let myself
fall for you?
dream about you?
think about you
when you're not near?
I must be crazy

12/13

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:04 PM

HOW IT SEEMS TO ME/

Wash away the world
No more fear
No more pain
Wrap me in your sweet embrace

I have waited for you
And cried
And prayed
I can scarcely believe you're real

You'll swallow me whole
With time
With love
Devoured by your shining eyes

Dying inside such a dream
Don't wake me
Don't bring me back
I'm drowning in your blissful kiss

12/16

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 1:03 PM

INSPIRED/

I can write again!
I can write again!

All it took was some inspiration
I found it in your face

Underneath the empty
Your laughter pricked my vein

Warmed me where I had forgotten
I was cold
With smiling eyes

Can I thank you with my heart?
I may be too shy to do so with my words.

12/16

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:57 PM

MY DREAMS/

Will I ever feel you touch me? I've dreamt of it, you know. My heart races when you lean too near. Damn my dreams! Stolen kisses and secret smiles. Am I destined to ever feel the warmth of your skin against mine? I know it is as warm as your smile, and as soft as your eyes.

12/16

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:55 PM

THE TEAR/

it slipped out
I couldn't catch it
I should've tried harder
I usually catch them all
this time it was too hard
too much is missing
so much that I never
thought I would miss

12/18 (ep 118)

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:52 PM

I love this feeling you've awakened in me. Struggling to become something and someone I have never known. I'm stronger than I think I am. I wish life was a musical. He grew love, and they called him "Daddy". No risk, that's what it is, this life I am choosing.

dates unknown

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:51 PM

Let Me Fall (from Cirque du Soleil)

let me fall
let me climb
there's a moment
when fear and dream must collide

someone i am
is waiting for courage
the one i want
the one i will become
will catch me

so let me fall
if i must fall
i won't heed your warnings
i won't hear them

let me fall
if i fall
though the phoenix
may or may not rise

i will dance so freely
holding onto no one
you can hold me only
if you too will fall
away from all these
useless fears and chains

someone i am
is waiting for my courage
the one i want
the one i will become
will catch me

so let me fall
if i must fall
i won't heed your warnings
i won't hear

let me fall
if i fall
there's no reason
to miss this one chance
this perfect moment
just let me fall

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:48 PM

All alone in a room full of people. That's how she felt lately. No matter if it were a room full of friends and family, or complete strangers, she felt wholly solitaire. The trouble was, she couldn't figure out why. Everything in her life was going fairly well, there were money issues, but there were ALWAYS money issues, that wasn't the problem. Pressure, that was part of it, time was passing, each second seemed to bring her closer to nowhere, but that wasn't all of it. She just couldn't figure out what it was that was making her feel so isolated, like the whole world was moving, and she was standing still. What was missing?

That's when it happened. The universe played a magnificent joke one day, and they met. She was stunned, the last thing in the world she had considered was MEETING SOMEONE. Still, there he was, beautiful and complicated, and kind. And suddenly, she could think of nothing else. This sort of connection was something she hadn't felt, or even thought about in quite a while. How does all of this work again? Every night they flirted and talked, but nothing TOO significant really happened. Then one night, out of the blue, she was told this would be the last time they would see each other, at least in their current capacity. The emptiness came rushing back over her all at once. This was not how she wanted things to play out, but what could she do? Luckily, she remembered that she had loaned him something, and she asked him how she would ever get it back, hoping wholeheartedly he would ask for her number. He did, but 3 days later, he hadn't called, and that, all-too-familiar hand of doubt began to grasp her heart. So, once again, here she sits, all alone in a room filled with people, wondering if Love will ever find her.

12/18

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 12:29 PM

Don't

don't do it
don't let yourself fall
you know what's gonna happen
don't waste your heart
you shouldn't use those dreams
save them for someone else
or maybe just use them on you

12/9

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 11:52 AM

you're making me up as you go
along
where do I fit in?
do you see me, or a projection
of what I am?
how can you really love me,
if you don't know who I am?

11/26

.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 11:50 AM

did you stumble?
did I fall?
I can't remember.

who went first?
was it you or me?
time plays tricks.

am I lonely?
are you sad?
trying hard to will you back to me.

11/24