Sheame On Me
Just a place where I let my brain leak out...
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Okay, I am still trying to get the hang of this... I am just wondering, is anyone reading this? How would I know? I am just curious.
.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 4:08 PM
Ramblings (4)
12/30/02
I'm always scared of something. When the fcuk does it end?! When do I wake up and stop being afraid to step into the light? *Whatever* light that may be. When I was too young to stop it, people I trusted, and who should have protected me, hurt me. They did unspeakable things to me and called it Love, so now my idea of Love is skewed. I thought I had a handle on it, but apparently I don't, I'm hiding again. How do I always seem to convince myself that I am not good enough? That things will inevitably go wrong for me? I do it to myself, I know that, but I don't seem to know the way to stop. I used to be brave, I think. Didn't I? It's been so long now, I can't remember. What happened? Why can't I remember what happened to me? Who I am? I'm sure I used to know, I just can't see it now. Everything is so foggy. I am lost here in limbo, scared of my own shadow, scared of my reflection, and at the same time, afraid I won't see it. I am so afraid there is nothing to see, that I am empty and void of anything real. Sometimes I feel like I died that day too, and no one noticed, nothing changed. Maybe I was dead already and just didn't know it. I guess maybe I ask too much, although half of the time, I don't even know what I want, it's more just asking for the sake of feeling something. Even disappointment and heartbreak, it's something at least, not cold emptiness drenched in darkness. What I know of Love is... what *do* I know of Love? Not much, that's for sure. At times, I have serious difficulty believing even God Loves me. It's all so very strange and wonderful and excrutiating and curious and suffocating and so damned completely spectacular all at the same time, that I don't know what to do. It's almost as if I'm trapped by the mere truth of my utter freedom. So much so, I can barely even breathe, let alone move out into the world, into life. There continues to be so much pain, I've gotten so used to it now, I don't even know that I can call it pain anymore, and time just seems to go on endlessly and hollow, lonely and cold. Until the fear is a almost comforting.
.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 3:49 PM
Is There?
is there love
beyond these walls?
is there time
outside this room?
I know there's fear.
where is my faith?
1/4
.: posted by Almost 20 Years Later 3:29 PM
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